What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i think my cat just said my name.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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