I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
