I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
