also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
