I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
