you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
