Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize