I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are the jesus of drinking
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
