I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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