My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
