Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
