i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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