just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize