Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
