It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
