Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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