i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
