she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
