Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
