you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
