birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
