Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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