my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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