Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
