Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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