Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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