You just made me feel so damn special
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
