I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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