he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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