Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
