Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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