i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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