i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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