I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
