Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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