Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
