how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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