I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i love accidental penises.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
