it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
