had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
