She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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