So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
