i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
