we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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