I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
