thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
