This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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