when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
