there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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