is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i drank out of a bidet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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