I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
They should really pass out barf bags in church
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
