Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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