I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
