Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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