I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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