3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
