I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this will be a night to untag.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
