i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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