shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
