I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
