everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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