I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
