i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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