I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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