Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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